Okay, cubcakes. So a couple of days ago the Commish dealt your reigning National League MVP a one-game suspension and an “undisclosed” fine for his post-game MF-ing of home plate umpire Brian Knight on Monday. To that I say, WHAT A FRIGGIN’ D-BAG! No, I’m not talking about Robbie Womanfred (for once). And please don’t get me started on umpires — hasn’t been a good one since Dutch Rennert forced me to stuff napkins in my ears to soften the blow my eardrums took each time he called a strike. I’m talking about the pretty boy from Vegas who thinks baseball is “tired” and in need of more players who express themselves.

Express yourself? Really? What … the metrosexual haircut and shaved chest ain’t enough, Brycie?

You know who gets tired of Harper’s expression, besides me and … oh, I don’t know … Jonathon Papelbon? Dusty Baker, that’s who. The Nationals’ skipper doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Harper expressing himself in any other ways besides hittin’ the orb out of the house, and gettin’ his friggin’ batting average above .265; a mark usually reserved for all-pick-no-stick shortstops, not someone on the verge of signing the fattest contract in sports history. Dusty’s old, man! He’s got no patience for a 23-year-old punk who thinks his crap oughta be sold next to Chanel No. 5. He’s not interested in damage control, which Harper’s mouth heaps on him regularly. Dusty just wants to win. To a veteran baseball guy, that’s the best form of expression. It’s just harder to do when your best guy gets tossed with the score tied in the ninth.

Harper, of course, was saved when pinch-hitter, Clint Robinson, swatted a walk-off homer minutes after he was ejected. Was he grateful? No. Did he fully celebrate with his team? Also, no. Brycie expressed himself. Boom! Suspended. What a douchebag.

Maybe you can’t blame a guy for being a douchebag when, as a slightly younger kid, he was paraded around the country chasing showcase after showcase, so that Scott Boras (speaking of douchebags) could fatten his wallet. Brycie thinks he’s the best thing since Old Style in a can cuz he’s been told that his whole life. Well, pallie, 1) Old Style in a bottle is the next best thing to Old Style in a can, and 2) there’s nothin’ like a pissed off manager and a steady diet of cheese between the shoulder blades to modify one’s behavior. It’s the baseball version of B.F. Skinner. (Look it up, head-shrinkers.)

When Brycie does sign his mega-gihugic, national debt-sized contract, I’m bettin’ (perfect for a Vegas guy, right) the team that pays him will have wasted millions on an athlete that ends up sharing a booth with guys like Tiger and A-Rod. What scares me is that the Cubbies will be the highest bidder.

Joe

Wow. If I didn’t know that I’m waaaaaaaaaaaay better looking than Goose “f–king” Gossage, I’d think this was ME spewing all the venom in this article. Or maybe Donald Trump.

Honestly (and is there any other way to be?) I’ve gotta agree with the Goose on some of this stuff. Baseball is turning into some sort of namby-pamby, cotton candy sucking stage for guys who act like hitting a home run (read: doing their job) is the same as curing cancer. I can’t imagine what my boss would do if I stood back and admired every package of hot links I loaded on a palette. Well, actually, I can. He’d fire my bat-flipping ass. Anyway, Goose is right; MLB is trying to morph baseball into football (or an equally wimpy facsimile thereof). I mean we’ve got a clock, we’ve got new rules for sliding at 2nd … Won’t be long before runners get to advance one base cuz “Hey, I don’t like the way that pitcher looked at me!” Friggin’ pathetic.

That’s not what’s chapping my backside, though. What’s rubbing me like the matted fur on a mangy dog is Bryce Harper’s take on “the excitement of the young guys who are coming into the game.” Harper tries to make the point that baseball used to be boring (wrong!) but guys like Matt Harvey, Manny Machado, Joc Pederson, McCutchen and Puig are bring ‘flair’ to the game. Ok, first of all, two of those guys are Mets. That’s a problem already. (To channel the Goose for a moment here, what is a f–king Met, anyway?) Second, is there a single Cubs player on Harper’s list? Does he mention Bryant or Fowler? How about Rizzo? What about Jorge Solar? And what the F about Kyle “My Real Name Is Babe Ruth” Schwarber?! I mean seriously?!